As I try to understand empathy, Ankahee really helps me get my head around this human response which is variedly understood by people including me. Without getting into the definition of empathy, I am trying to articulate what I have been taking away working here as a volunteer.
Empathy is quite a lot, NOT about you. It is about the individual, who you are trying to empathize with. At the risk of oversimplifying it, for me it is, “Less me, More them”. Following from above, more I evacuate myself of myself, my beliefs, my mindset, my judgements, better prepared I am to offer empathy to someone suffering , someone in distress. For instance, I could not appreciate how someone who has been suddenly denied access to tik- tok could experience a rash of emotions- that’s precisely the point! So, when I try to deeply listen to them, shorn of myself, I begin to connect with them. I remember very well, how I would make a fuss, throw tantrums, when I would misplace my Reynolds ball pen costing no more than ten rupees- But I did experience a bunch of feelings when that happened!! One never knows, what can trigger emotions in people!
Carrying on from the example above, I use the feelings I experienced from losing a ten rupee pen to the person on the other side of the call who has been denied access to tik-tok. Then, I suppose I am able to offer some serious listening to them, engage with their emotions, and the layers of feelings underneath them. They don’t care if I could get their tik tok account working again- I AM NOT SOLVING their problem- I DO NOT UNDERTAKE to do that. In this process, I hope they get to heal but even that cannot be my goal- I do my bit in listening to their feelings, help them explore/understand their own feelings through the conversation. Sounds easy? In my experience, it is not- obviously I must be barely touching the fringe of empathy! More I commit myself to this process, better I get at it. I am definitely a work in progress!
Very often, we might be steering a conversation with the caller in distress to make it comfortable for ourselves- this might happen most naturally and without us even realizing that. If the caller is taking us to their dark spaces, where we are scared to enter, we might consciously or otherwise try to nudge the conversation towards a “happy ending”. That would be doing injustice to the caller, who trusts us to listen to them, their deepest, uncomfortable, awkward feelings. CALLER IS THE CLIENT!!
It is quite common to realize that the person who we are trying to empathize with, may not get what they are looking for. It can even be frustrating for them to have spoken to me. As a volunteer at Ankahee, I would still stick by offering deep listening, exploration of feelings and empathy in the bargain. That is what I am there for! This is unique about Ankahee, as this service is practically not available anywhere else! At times, I would be tempted to go beyond the remit of Ankahee but it is important for me to stick by Ankahee’s core offering!!
While we are never sure if the caller benefitted, one high for me is that each call has been an opportunity for me to get less and less judgemental in life. That for me is a great take away. So, thank you Ankahee!!!
Bio: Sesh / Seshadri is a volunteer at Ankahee. He has deep interest in mental health / wellbeing of people. He also works for a Mental Health Organization located in Pune.