We’ve all been in situations where words spiral into misunderstandings, leaving us frustrated or unheard—or worse, creating gaps with those who matter to us. Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is one way to change that. It’s not about sugarcoating conversations or avoiding hard topics but about expressing yourself in a way that actually gets through without making the other person feel threatened, while also hearing them with more openness. NVC’s emphasis on centring conversations around feelings aligns with the way Ankahee encourages meaningful dialogue focused on listeners’ emotions, though not as an endorsed framework, while also recognizing that everyone has their own unique way of communicating..
Breaking It Down: The Four Key Steps
NVC follows a simple but effective structure to keep conversations clear and less reactive:
- Observations – This is about separating facts from judgments. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might say, “I noticed that when I talk, you’re often looking at your phone.” This way, you’re describing what happened without making it personal.
- Feelings – Naming emotions helps to communicate what’s actually going on. Instead of, “You’re so inconsiderate,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I see you checking your phone while I’m speaking.”
- Needs – This step is about getting to the core of what’s missing. Maybe it’s, “I need to feel like my words matter to you.” Naming our needs helps others understand where we’re coming from.
- Requests – A clear request makes it easier for someone to meet us halfway. For example, “Would you be open to putting your phone away when we talk so I feel more connected?”
However, identifying what we truly feel and need isn’t always easy. It takes conscious practice to develop this awareness. This is where NVC can feel tough at first, but with time, it becomes a natural way to approach conversations with clarity and compassion.
Why Consider NVC?
It’s easy to fall into blame and defensiveness when things get tense, but NVC offers a way out. Some of the benefits include:
- Healthier Relationships: Whether with friends, family, or colleagues, NVC helps express yourself without damaging trust.
- Better Conflict Resolution: Instead of escalating fights, NVC allows for calmer and more constructive discussions.
- Increased Emotional Awareness: Understanding your own needs makes it easier to communicate them clearly.
- More Empathy: When you listen without judgment, people feel heard, and real conversations happen.
How to Use NVC in Real Life?
- Listen First – Instead of just waiting for your turn to speak, actually listen. Reflect back what you heard before responding.
- Drop the Blame – If you want someone to hear you, focus on your feelings rather than accusing them.
- Use “I” Statements – Saying, “I feel overwhelmed when things pile up,” is more effective than, “You’re making things harder for me.”
- Stay Curious – Even when you disagree, ask questions instead of assuming the worst.
- Pause Before Reacting – A deep breath can make all the difference between a fight and a real conversation.
Final Thoughts
NVC isn’t about being overly agreeable—it moves away from people-pleasing and instead fosters a sense of responsibility toward oneself and the relationships around us by encouraging clear, honest, and purposeful communication. It takes practice, but when used consistently, it can transform relationships, reduce unnecessary conflicts, and help create real connection. In a world that often feels divided, that’s something worth working toward.
Bio:
Palak Loyalka is a mental health advocate, psychology student, and volunteer at Ankahee, exploring holistic approaches to well-being through creativity, fitness, spirituality, and academic insights